It was midnight on a Wednesday.
In a scene right out of a horror flick, I found myself alone in a three-bedroom house in western Sydney. My roommate was working late, leaving me to face the unexpected.
As I prepared for bed, I spotted a dark shape on the ceiling above my pillow. Upon turning the lights back on, I was met with the horrifying sight of a GIGANTIC spider. By gigantic, I mean its head was the size of my thumb, and its body spanned my entire hand! It resembled a tarantula with elongated legs. I flicked the lights on and off, hoping it was just a trick of the light. Alas, it was all too real!
Take a moment to search for "Huntsman spider."
Now that you've stopped screaming and picked up your phone, let's carry on.
Firstly, spiders should not be this large. While I’ve never had a fear of them, this one was a different story—especially when it rivaled the size of my shoe.
There was no doubt in my mind that this giant spider had to go for several reasons:
1) Australian spiders are often highly venomous.
2) I couldn't bear the thought of sharing my room with it.
3) It doesn’t pay rent. What a freeloader!
My reaction to the spider matched my feelings at the entrance of Luna Park in North Sydney.
Problem #1: My room boasts 12-foot high ceilings.
First, I shifted my bed and cleared anything that could provide cover for the spider. (Did I mention it was directly above my pillow? AHHH!) I donned my thickest shoes, tucked my pajama pants into my socks, and wore a long-sleeved shirt to shield my skin in case it fell on me.
Then, I grabbed a broom, a shovel, and the vacuum. (The shovel seemed like a solid choice for a decapitation.)
Like any sensible adult would do, I called my parents to brainstorm a plan. (It was daytime in South Carolina, so they were awake.) Parents are supposed to know how to handle these situations. After clarifying the spider's enormous size to my dad, he helped me devise a strategy. His advice: “Just vacuum it. Then call me back.”
Problem #2: The vacuum lacks a long hose attachment.
With a 12-foot ceiling, my resourcefulness kicked in. To maintain distance, I taped the broom handle to the vacuum hose with mailing tape. Hitting it with the broom or shovel would be messy (think spider guts on the walls). The vacuum was my best bet, and I hoped it was powerful enough.
Problem #3: The vacuum hose is too short to reach the ceiling.
I placed the vacuum on one chair and stood on another to execute my plan, all while keeping as much distance as possible from the spider. I gathered every ounce of courage and poked it with the vacuum's nozzle. It scuttled to the right, and I shrieked, nearly falling off my chair. I quickly intercepted it. Though it fought back, it was no match for the vacuum! (There was a moment I questioned if it was too large to be vacuumed.)
Stepping down, I kept the vacuum running. My heart raced; I feared that once I switched it off, it might escape. Or worse, multiply like those Gremlins from the '80s! I channeled my inner ninja, swiftly taping a plastic bag over the hose after turning it off. The first bag seemed flimsy, so I quickly grabbed a sturdier one and secured it with tape.
Then, I locked the vacuum in the spare room closet and searched my entire space for any spider relatives.
Me – 1
Giant Spider – 0
Now, I was too scared to sleep. What if it sought revenge? I felt as if spiders were crawling all over me. With a vent near where the spider had been, I ripped the back off a magazine and taped it over the vent to keep any of its freeloading friends away.
I texted my roommate, explaining that there was a giant spider residing in the vacuum. Then, I called my dad back to assure him I was still alive.
With sleep out of the question, I decided to type this email.
This, dear friends, is how you defeat a massive Australian spider.
(Update: The vacuum remained sealed in the spare room until I moved out months later. Initially, I thought the spider was a deadly funnel-web, but later discovered it was a Huntsman, which is harmless. Ironically, after spending five summers in Asia, I became more compassionate and started catching small spiders to release outside rather than killing them.)
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