I typically earn 55% more than my husband, which brings its own set of challenges. Here are five discussions we've had to create balance.
As a woman who outpaces her husband in earnings, I recognize that our situation is increasingly common. The role of husbands as primary earners has significantly dropped over the last 50 years. In 1972, nearly half of heterosexual marriages featured husbands as the main breadwinners, but that number has decreased to 23% today.
Due to our income difference, I often find myself adjusting my goals or negotiating our feelings. Open communication about our needs is essential to reduce frustration and maintain harmony. Here are five conversations we've engaged in since I earn more than my husband.
1. Short-Term Aspirations
We all cherish things to look forward to, and the excitement that comes with saving can be just as fulfilling as the end goal. For me, that goal is travel, while many women seek empowerment through investing.
I'm eager to save throughout the year for an incredible trip, but my husband enjoys travel less than I do. He prefers saving for goals that resonate more personally, and due to his lower earnings, he can't always share travel costs equally.
Our approach: We share travel expenses but not evenly. I usually cover the larger upfront costs like flights and accommodations. While traveling, we split discretionary costs, such as meals and experiences.
Since I absorb most travel costs, I don't contribute financially to his short-term goals. Instead, I support his projects in other ways, like dedicating my time and skills. For instance, when he aimed to create a small indie film, I didn't fund it but helped edit the script and source equipment.
Takeaway: Discussing our individual short-term goals fosters respect for each other's pursuits. We understand that travel is my passion, preventing any resentment over cost-sharing. He has his own goals to anticipate, knowing I'm ready to support him.
2. Long-Term Plans
Like many couples, we aspire to own a home. Our discussions about the financial hurdles focus primarily on saving for a down payment and tackling our future mortgage.
Given our income differences, saving equal amounts for a deposit isn't feasible. It's also unclear how our incomes will compare in the coming years. My husband is a student but expects to secure employment after graduation, likely narrowing our income gap.
Our approach: I will save for the down payment while he focuses on other goals. His low income currently prevents him from saving for short-term aspirations, so I'm comfortable taking the lead.
I'm reassured knowing his income will likely rise in the next few years, which lends a sense of timeline to our current disparity.
However, what if his future salary doesn't allow for equal mortgage contributions while managing student debt? We recognize that this is a recurring conversation we need to have.
While it's become routine for us to discuss finances, I know many couples struggle with this. Sometimes, a little push is needed, especially regarding long-term financial goals like homeownership.
3. Student Debt
Fortunately, I don't carry any student loans. However, my husband's situation is different.
He started at an expensive private college right after high school but left after two years due to poor grades. After working for a couple of years, he enrolled in a more affordable city college to finish his degree.
Now, as a graduate student, his expenses are lower, but he'll still graduate with about $300,000 in student debt.
Our approach: He feels that his debt stems from his past choices, making him reluctant to accept my help with loan repayments.
If he remains uncomfortable sharing these financial burdens, I know I could put the house in my name if needed. But we both understand this remains a topic for future discussions.
Takeaway: By discussing our long-term goals, we've established potential strategies for our financial future, including the possibility of putting my name on the deed if necessary.
4. Daily Expenses
We face numerous everyday expenses, including rent, utilities, groceries, and dining out. We also dream of adopting a dog, which would add further costs for food, grooming, and vet bills.
Our approach: We split rent and utilities evenly, but this takes up a significant part of my husband's income, requiring compromises elsewhere. We share grocery costs at a 70/30 split. Dining out is limited to once or twice a week, and we use groceries to sustain us during the week.
Maintaining even rent and utility costs has led to sacrifices elsewhere. Because owning a pet would strain my husband's budget, we've decided to hold off for now. Simplicity and fairness in our major expenses matter more for our peace of mind.
Takeaway: When we first cohabited, we split expenses evenly. Over time, we've become more comfortable discussing our financial situations, leading to adjustments in how we manage costs.
5. Individual Spending
Personal spending allows us to treat ourselves. For me, this means enjoying sushi at work or buying new books and clothing; for him, it's collecting rare Blu-rays of classic horror films.
While our small purchases don't significantly impact our lives, the ability to indulge contributes to our overall happiness. However, differences in our incomes can affect how often we can treat ourselves.
Our approach: We discussed our finances when moving in together and revisited the topic when we got married. We opted to keep our accounts separate, so we each have our own checking accounts.
This separation means neither of us monitors the other's spending. We enjoy the freedom to spend on our individual pleasures without affecting one another.
Takeaway: I value having the autonomy to spend and save as I choose. Maintaining separate finances has allowed me the freedom to do so without needing to justify my choices to anyone.
