Creating an equitable parenting plan is key for working couples.
During my pregnancy, an acquaintance queried if I'd keep teaching after the baby arrived. I replied confidently, “Absolutely! I already teach evenings and weekends while my partner works 9 to 5, so it's manageable.”
Her reaction was shock: “You’re leaving the baby with your husband?”
I was taken aback: “Yes — several evenings a week and all day Sunday. I’d never partner with someone who couldn't take care of a baby alone. That's essential.”
I refuse to accept an unfair parenting setup any more than I would tolerate a colleague who offloads their work onto me.
Yet, many couples find themselves slipping into traditional roles after a baby arrives, despite their initial commitment to equality. Are women truly better suited for childcare? Spoiler: No. It’s about patience and experience, not gender.
As a woman with a male partner, I can attest: once breastfeeding ended, our parenting roles were devoid of gender bias. We can achieve fairness in parenting.
Here’s how.
Rule 1. Start with Equal Responsibilities
Establish egalitarian habits early. If you're on maternity leave while your partner works full-time, be cautious about setting patterns that will be unbalanced when you return. Avoid overwhelming yourself during recovery. You might say, “I’ll handle the baby’s laundry for now, but when I’m back at work, let’s split it — you take weekends, I’ll take weekdays.” Create a chore chart together, possibly using a color-coded spreadsheet for clarity.
Ensure your partner takes paternity leave. In the U.S., the Family and Medical Leave Act allows just 12 weeks unpaid (plan ahead financially). If he runs a business, communicate that he needs to prioritize his child.
Research indicates that paternity leave significantly benefits women, as early patterns of childcare often persist. When my baby came home, my partner took on most of the baby tasks while I rested. He became adept at soothing our child, a role he still embraces today. His active involvement was likely influenced by taking paternity leave.
A Harvard Business School study revealed that over 75% of men expected their partners to manage most childcare, while women tended to have more egalitarian expectations that often went unmet. Interestingly, men of color were more inclined to view their partners' careers as equally important compared to their white counterparts.
Even if you think your partner is different (tattoos, urban farmer), societal norms shape our behaviors. To break away from traditional patterns, you need to consciously design a different approach. If unfairness isn’t addressed early, it solidifies. Research suggests it takes 28 days to form a habit. Don’t let your “habit” involve being taken for granted.
Rule 2. Breastfeeding Doesn’t Equal More Work
If you're breastfeeding, it may feel like you’re doing more than your fair share. That doesn't have to be the case.
Babies create numerous tasks. For example, breastfeeding includes several steps: waking the baby, changing diapers, feeding for 15 to 30 minutes, burping, and sometimes changing clothes. Each step can involve different people.
This is especially relevant during nighttime. With both partners working, sleep shouldn't fall on just one person. When I breastfed, my partner would wake, change the baby if needed, and bring her to me. After feeding, he’d burp our child and assist in settling her back to sleep.
As a result, we both felt equally exhausted, sharing the need for evening naps and collaborating on solutions for better sleep. Parenting tasks like calling the pediatrician or researching sleep strategies count as shared work, enhancing mutual responsibility.
Rule 3. Clearly Define Work Schedules and Boundaries
If both parents work similar hours while their child is in care, achieving equality is clearer. Both parents engage in similar responsibilities. Sure, one might handle the baby while the other tidies up, or alternate between networking and evening duties.
It becomes tricky when one partner is traditional and the other is a freelancer. Many well-meaning parents assume they can work from home with a baby, only to realize it's challenging to focus.
After your partner returns from work, they may take over childcare while you scramble to catch up. You might think you worked five hours, but the quality was poor.
Work when you have the energy. This might mean your partner covers mornings before their job, allowing you to work when you’re most productive. If you hire childcare, use that time wisely — don’t get sidetracked with chores. If your partner doesn’t clean during their meetings, guard your work hours too.
When working weekends, consider leaving home. Find a coworking space or borrow a friend's place. Plan ahead — don’t monopolize a café table all day.
Working from home while your partner cares for the baby can lead to frequent interruptions. Every request for help takes time away from your focus, hampering productivity.
If your partner gets to work without interruptions, ensure you have the same opportunity. Managing a baby and taking a shower isn’t just a mom issue; it’s part of parenting. Step out of the house and let your partner handle it.
Rule 4. Designate a Primary Parent
If daycare covers daytime childcare, you may not think much about fairness. However, if your partner frequently schedules events or expects quiet time for work without checking with you, that’s problematic.
It’s crucial to assign a primary parent at all times. If not, the mother often becomes the de facto primary caregiver.
Being the designated primary parent means you can’t leave your partner to manage everything without prior planning. Want to go out? Schedule it when you’re not on duty. If you rely on a babysitter, remember finding one is work in itself.
If networking has bolstered your career, keep pursuing it. If both parents are always on call, it discourages you from seeking opportunities. This creates a discouraging cycle affecting your career growth.
Knowing you’re free on Wednesdays allows you to commit to events without hesitation. You’ll be tired anyway, so make networking easy and straightforward.
Rule 5. Avoid Micromanaging
Managing tasks is itself work. If you assign tasks, dictate how to execute them, and follow up, you're adding to your workload! This approach isn’t motivating. People are more engaged when they have autonomy and creativity in their responsibilities.
Providing a detailed to-do list isn’t equality; it’s delegation. Equality entails broad responsibilities where both partners make decisions. If your partner prefers bathing the baby differently, let them be.
Recently, my partner asked about our baby’s clothing sizes. I realized, “Wait, I can’t decide everything based on my preferences!” Equal labor means equal decision-making, so our child might wear bright colors even if I lean toward neutral shades.
Rule 6. Set Firm Expectations with Others
Aim for shared parenting at home, but most people will assume “mom” is in charge: relatives, daycare staff, and others.
It’s essential to clarify roles: “You’ll need to discuss that with my partner; he manages food prep.” Then, disengage. I can’t recall what brand we use; that’s all him!
This applies at work too. Some colleagues may think you’ll halt your career for family obligations. While that might be true temporarily, don’t let your workplace assume it.
Set clear expectations. Suggest after-work gatherings. If anyone seems surprised, explain, “It’s my partner’s night with the baby; I want to connect with the team!” Make a habit of balancing late nights and early departures. Share stories that showcase your partner’s involvement to challenge stereotypes.
Rule 7. Prepare for Emergencies
You might devise a plan for equal parenting, but what happens in emergencies? Will you always be the one to manage a sick child?
Address this proactively, ideally before the baby arrives. Will you alternate rushing to your child’s side when needed? If your job allows flexibility, perhaps you stay home, but expect your partner to adjust weekend plans for you to catch up.
It’s easy to envision equal parenting in ideal circumstances, but during crises, many revert to traditional roles. If you want true equality, choose a partner committed to that value.
Creating equality requires intention and planning!
