Most women today will tell you they don't wish to depend on a man for financial support. However, their choices often reveal a different narrative.
Women have made significant strides from times of waiting to be rescued. Today's young women hold jobs, earn paychecks, and pursue exciting dreams. Yet, many still make choices that suggest otherwise. During my interviews with recent graduates, I noted a common theme: they often secured degrees and found jobs that seemed fulfilling, though not necessarily lucrative.
A troubling trend emerged.
A year post-graduation from Tulane, one woman had a role in public relations, like many of her peers, all earning around $30,000 annually. In contrast, their boyfriends, who graduated from the same institution, were stepping into finance roles with salaries exceeding $150,000. Interestingly, the women didn't seem bothered by this salary disparity and struggled to articulate why they felt indifferent. As interviews progressed, the discomfort with their reality became evident.
Women Need to Be Their Own Safety Net
The truth is clear: whether it's a conscious choice or not, many young women seem to believe they won't be solely accountable for their financial futures. They often expect that a high-earning partner will bridge the gap between their envisioned lifestyles and their own modest earnings from enjoyable jobs.
This assumption carries significant risks, especially since women can't always expect a supportive spouse. Marriage rates are at an all-time low and are predicted to decline further; for the first time, more adults are single than married. Consequently, more women find themselves independent, a situation worsened by rising divorce rates, longer life expectancies, and women's longevity outpacing men's. Eventually, 80 to 90% of women will need to manage their financial lives alone, yet many fail to prepare for this eventuality. This lack of foresight contributes to the fact that twice as many women live in poverty later in life compared to men. Women typically earn less and have more interruptions in their employment, which heightens the financial difficulties they may face as they age.
My initial encounter with this resistance was surprising and intense. In 2007, I published a book titled “The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?” inspired by the opting-out movement. As more women left the workforce to become stay-at-home mothers, the media praised these choices as fulfilling solutions to the stress of balancing work and family. Unfortunately, the potential long-term consequences of these decisions were often overlooked. My book aimed to highlight the risks of financial dependence, countering the unrealistic security romanticized by stay-at-home motherhood.
To my shock, “The Feminine Mistake” sparked considerable controversy, even before its release. The facts were clear, showcasing the significant risks associated with leaving the workforce, yet many stay-at-home moms reacted with anger towards what seemed an obvious warning against reliance on a partner for support. I was taken aback by their fierce backlash, which included online campaigns against my book as well as personal attacks on my life.
The Risks of Relying on One Income
It didn't take long for a national crisis to validate my concerns. “The Feminine Mistake” came out just before the financial downturn that hit the nation. Countless individuals lost jobs, and affluent neighborhoods became dotted with For Sale signs as families struggled to sell their homes. In the aftermath, many wives learned the hard way how precarious it is to depend on a single income. Following the downturn, I read numerous articles with titles like “Being a Stay-at-Home Mom Was My Biggest Mistake.” I initially believed that this crisis would serve as a wake-up call for women about the importance of financial independence, but I was mistaken.
Recently, I was startled to learn that another book with a similar message had ignited a similar uproar. “The Pie Life: A Guilt-Free Recipe for Success and Satisfaction” by Samantha Ettus faced outrage from women over the suggestion that they could enhance their lives by continuing to work.
This backlash is a predictable outcome of cultural conditioning surrounding women.
“It’s the belief that all you need to do is grow up and find a man who will take care of you,” Ettus explained. “When we hear about instances where a husband dies or leaves, we think those are rare. But they’re more common than we realize.”
To navigate these challenges, confronting reality is more beneficial than avoiding it. Yet, many women still shy away from uncomfortable truths.
At a gathering, I met the wife of a prominent television producer who recoiled at my name.
“I bought ‘The Feminine Mistake’ and was too frightened to finish it,” she said, glaring at me as if I were to blame for women’s economic vulnerabilities.
She spent the rest of the evening steering clear of me.
This woman hasn’t held a job in years and identifies solely as a mother. With her children now aged 17 and 20, her role as a full-time parent will soon come to an end.
Be Wary of the Empty Nest Syndrome
This transition can be perilous for stay-at-home moms, as the empty nest often strains long-term marriages. Among couples over 50, the divorce rate has doubled in the last two decades. As children grow up, many couples realize their kids were the glue holding their relationship together. In past generations, couples often accepted their circumstances, but today many choose to start anew when they enter their later years. Consequently, marriage is no longer a secure haven for older women. In 1990, fewer than one in ten individuals who divorced were over 50, but that number has escalated to one in four in recent years. It's understandable that women like the one I encountered at the event feel apprehensive, but not everyone is resistant to acknowledging these realities.
During a recent visit to a bookstore, a woman approached me, asking if I was Leslie Bennetts.
Upon confirming my identity, she exclaimed, “Your book changed my life.”
Unlike others who shied away from the message of “The Feminine Mistake,” this woman embraced the insights and refused to accept a limited life or uncertain future. She embarked on a new career and eventually became a successful author. Her excitement was palpable as she called her husband to bring a copy of her upcoming book's galleys. Both of them radiated pride in her achievements.
As her children mature, she isn’t worried about the empty nest. Thanks to her proactive planning, she’s carved out a thrilling new journey for herself, filled with promising opportunities.
“I’m so happy,” she said, glowing.
It's hard to fathom why any woman would choose to settle for anything less.
