Charles Duhigg emphasizes viewing conversations as negotiations, enhancing how we connect with others.
Consider your daily chats. Whether you're catching up with friends over coffee, chatting with family during a walk, or engaging in countless other interactions, every conversation has a negotiation aspect. Understanding the type of conversation can help deepen your connections.
Duhigg explores this concept in his book “Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection.” He penned this work after facing frustrations in his own conversations, particularly with his wife.
“I'd come home and vent about my day, only to hear my wife suggest I take my boss to lunch to build rapport,” Duhigg shares. “Instead of processing her advice, I’d get defensive, thinking she wasn’t on my side, which upset her further.”
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This experience led Duhigg to question why understanding each other can be so challenging. He notes, “We often mistakenly view discussions as centered on a single topic.” To truly connect, it’s essential to identify the type of conversation: practical, emotional, or social. “In practical talks, we solve issues or plan together,” he explains. “Emotional conversations seek empathy, while social ones revolve around our relationships and identities.”
For instance, while discussions about finances may seem practical, they often carry emotional weight. “Even when we use practical terms, we’re often expressing anxieties, guilt, or excitement about the future,” says Duhigg.
When approaching financial discussions with a partner, Duhigg suggests explicitly addressing these elements. He recommends saying, “Let’s discuss money and our budget. There’s a practical aspect to this, but we must first engage in the emotional conversation.” This approach fosters cooperation instead of opposition.
